Episode 03: Feedback…..the Emotionally Intelligent way

In today’s episode, the Emotional Intelli-gents Podcast will take the plunge into the polarizing topic of feedback.  There is no question that in order to grow, the exchange of regular feedback is crucial. However, the act of giving feedback and receiving it can be incredibly daunting. 

This episode will discuss how adding the key ingredient of emotional intelligence to your next feedback session will be the key to balancing the flavors and making the feedback discussion more palatable.  The episodes will be specific in prescribing EQ skills such as empathy and openness when exchanging feedback. Further, the episode shares techniques on how to avoid receiving feedback defensively, an antidote to growth. 

Episode 03 Transcript

Opening Teaser - Ismail (00:00):

….and avoiding giving difficult feedback to a person who has a lot of personal issues outside of work isn't necessarily a good thing. But what you're essentially doing is procrastinating on critical feedback that eventually is gonna need to have to happen, right? Right. And so what you're risking is letting empathy be the only dominant emotion.

Musical Intro (00:23):

1, 2, 3, 4.

Intro - Sameer (00:23):

Welcome to the Emotional Intelligence Podcast, a podcast diving into how emotional intelligence can be unleashed to turn great people into great leaders. And now, your hosts, Ismail and Sameer.

Ismail (00:38):

Hello and welcome again to the Emotional Intelligence Podcast, where we help current and aspiring leaders level up their ability to achieve greatness in the workplace. I'm a smile. And,

Sameer (00:48):

Hello, I'm Sameer.

Ismail (00:50):

All right, Sameer. So in this episode, we're gonna discuss how emotional intelligence impacts feedback in the workplace. And I'd imagine most folks will go to how, uh, EQ can help them deliver constructive or negative feedback. And while that's a definite use case here, there are other aspects of feedback that leverage eq, and we're gonna cover those

Sameer (01:11):

Today. That's right Al. And like they say, feedback is a gift, but some gifts can suck. So utilizing some of the EQ hacks that we discuss today, I think will really help make sure that your feedback is actually received as a gift.

Ismail (01:25):

All right. All right, let's get into it.

Sameer (01:32):

All right, so let's get into the topic of giving feedback in an emotionally intelligent way. I think we need to level set the conversation by giving a ton of deference to just how hard it is to give impactful feedback. I think that is something that just needs to be set up front.

Ismail (01:46):

Absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, it's something that I've personally gotten a lot better at as I've managed more and more people. But, um, I think it takes time. I mean, it takes practice and repetition, um, and it's not something that comes easy at first.

Sameer (02:01):

No, not at all. And the art of giving good feedback really touches on all four of our core EQ competencies that we talked about in episode one, right? Self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. Ismail, from your perspective, what are the keys if to giving good, uh, feedback, right? You're talking to a new manager, what advice would you give them on how to get better at giving

Ismail (02:26):

Feedback? So, Sameer, I mean, here's what I'd say. Understanding that to effectively deliver feedback, you've got to know your people. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, you have to pay attention and learn their strengths and weaknesses, their motivations and drivers, and especially their communication style.

Sameer (02:42):

I'd agree and realizing that what works when giving feedback to one person, it won't work for everyone, right? But applying those EQ techniques during feedback sessions, whether they're formal, informal, I think those are really gonna help you adapt your approach to the individual that you are giving feedback to. Because it really is about emotional connection. It's about creating an open, comfortable environment for discourse. And in order to do that application of EQ skills is absolutely necessary,

Ismail (03:16):

Right? And so I read this somewhere, and I'm gonna have to agree with it and, and learn kind of along the way. And I think, I think you're also gonna agree with us that most people, not all, but most people that you're giving feedback to, they fall into one of these four categories. So you've got your superstar, and these are the top performers, the ones who carry the team, and under different circumstances, you'd love to reward them with a promotion or pay raise. But I think, you know, in today's day and age, like the pandemic and budgets and org chart, it's leaving you shorthanded. Okay? Um, then you've got your steady decline, and these employees seem to be heading in the wrong direction. They've got potential, but how can you reverse the trend? And then third, you've got a flat liner. So in this scenario, the employee isn't declining or moving forward, uh, they've just simply plateaued. And so the question then becomes, where do you go from here? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And finally, you have the expert. So this employee, they know their stuff. In fact, they've, they've been around longer than, than you've been a manager, uh, sometimes even longer than you've been with the company. So you may have even passed them up to take on your current position.

Sameer (04:30):

Hmm, that's really interesting. So, um, I'm just taking a moment, right, to go through some of the flashbacks of feedback conversations that I've had with all four of these categories and just how differently I felt during each of these conversations, right? You take the superstar, for example, you struggle to find constructive feedback, right? Uh, you're trying to give them ways to improve, but you don't have much, and then you feel guilty not being able to give them a more feedback, b more compensation, you know, title, whatever it may be. Then you got the steady decliner, right? And, and with these folks, I think empathy really is your best friend. You gotta ask them why they're struggling, right? What can you do as a manager to help them improve, but then clearly set an expectation for improvement, right? For me, I'm always timeline driven, like, let's check in in this many days. Let's, you know, make sure that you're meeting that expectation. Flatliners, I really put the onus on them. They need to tell me what their aspirations are. And then experts, they're really tough too, right? You gotta give deference. You gotta understand how crucial they are to the machine and find an approach where you're asking that expert, you know, what do you need from me? Right? Are your needs being met?

Ismail (05:45):

Right? Right, right. And I mean, you'll need to handle each one of these individuals differently, no doubt. Um, but there are clear common threads which high EQ leaders will have to leverage to ensure the feedbacks, uh, session is fruitful. And let me give you some example. Let me give you some examples here. So they're gonna have to have strong intention to help the, the employees grow rather than simply criti criticizing. And so I like to say the feedback should increase, not drain the employee's motivation and, and resources for change.

Sameer (06:17):

Hmm. I like

Ismail (06:17):

That. And secondly, high, high EQ leaders are have a tendency to be open. So openness by feedback giver, it builds a connection, and this influences change, right? Um, and if you start the feedback session feeling uncomfortable and defensive, whoever you're with, they're gonna match that energy. And then you're both gonna leave the conversation frustrated and you'll never hit the core of what each of you wanted to com accomplish during that discussion. And then, you know, lastly, inviting the employee into the problem solving process. So asking questions like, so what ideas do you have? And what are you, what are you taking away from this conversation? Um, what else? There's like, what steps might you take? When and how will you, will I know that something's changed? Right?

Sameer (07:06):

For sure. For sure. And these are some really nice practical tips that you're giving us on how to give feedback in an emotionally intelligent way, which is such an underrated challenge for leaders at all levels of an organization.

Ismail (07:20):

Yeah, I agree with you. Um, and another important point to zero in on is about when to keep feedback. So what do you think about jumping into that next?

Sameer (07:29):

Yeah, let's do it.

Ismail (07:35):

Hey, if you've enjoyed the show so far or found some helpful information, check the show notes where you can join our mailing list, get additional EQ tips and tricks, and also stay up to date on upcoming topics and events.

Sameer (07:51):

All right. So we spent the first portion of today's podcast talking about tips and tricks at HighQ EQ leaders are using when they give feedback, but even knowing or deciding when right, the moment is ripe for feedback can be driven by our level of eq. Would you, would you agree a smile?

Ismail (08:11):

Yeah, I do. And the decision of when requires leaders to be really aware of their own emotional state and being able to manage emotion during the conversations to a positive outcome,

Sameer (08:22):

Right? Right. And in the moment too, right? How ready are or comfortable are you to manage your own emotions when having to give feedback that could be perceived by the recipient as insensitive or crude or rude, whatever you want to call it. You need to be aware of your emotional state as you walk into that conversation as the leader

Ismail (08:44):

And knowing when to give feedback can also be driven by your level of eq. So it's not just self-management, but simply even recognizing what moments or environments will yield a positive

Sameer (08:56):

Outcome. Yeah. And another almost counterintuitive, I would say, challenge, even the most highly emotional intelligent leaders that I know face are situations when, you know, your natural instinct is to be empathetic. And, but that instinct is actually what's preventing you from giving critical feedback. You know, I was in the situation, I would say, you know, recently I had a member of my team, they went through an extremely tough time, right? They had a series of unexpected deaths in the family. And what started off as I think we, we thought it would be like 60 days of let's pick up the slack for this person. Um, and, and that quickly turned into 6, 7, 8 months. And while, you know, I was beyond empathetic to this person's situation, which was unimaginable in so many ways, right? But I knew it was having a real negative impact on productivity. You know, the customer complaints were becoming super common. They kept rolling in, I saw the morale of the larger team start to suffer. And then, you know, inevitably my reputation as a strong leader was suddenly coming into question.

Ismail (10:00):

But, but your empathy was going into overdrive,

Sameer (10:03):

Right? Yes.

Ismail (10:04):

You knew you needed to do something to correct it, but you just struggled to figure out a way and a time mm-hmm. <affirmative> to be critical when this person was in a fragile state of

Sameer (10:13):

Mind completely. A hundred percent. And often we talk about how leaders lack eq, but there's a flip side, right? Which is this distortion of EQ in the opposite direction. While something is, well, something like empathy is a must-have emotion. We've been talking about it since podcast one, it has to be balanced, right? With the leaders other strengths, there are other competencies, and then the current challenges of the business, um, whatever they may be facing at that time. So that balance is super critical

Ismail (10:42):

For sure. It, it's so true. And avoiding giving difficult feedback to a person who has a lot of personal issues outside of work isn't necessarily a good thing. But what you're essentially doing is procrastinating on critical feedback that eventually is gonna need to ha have to happen, right? Right. And so what you're risking is letting empathy be the only dominant emotion and waiting too long and, and letting the circumstances potentially getting to a point of no return. So, I mean, there's much higher risk, the conversation at that point becomes really adversarial.

Sameer (11:15):

Yes. And then you have the customer's upset, right? My boss is upset. Self-preservation was starting to kick in for me if I didn't address it, and I could, you know, easily see myself being forced to over-correct. Right. Like, do something much harsher, which would really, you know, end up alienating this person and cause an erosion of trust in me from the rest of the team. So the timeline of when to have feedback conversations is so critical. I, you know, I always preach the need for contemporaneous feedback. I tell my teams this all the time, let's normalize feedback, let's deliver it respectfully. And when the situation is still in the forefront and the details are fresh, don't ignore and avoid. Right? Then next thing you know, it's two months down the line, that's when the defensiveness kicks in. The he said, she said, stuff starts <laugh>. Right?

Ismail (12:08):

And, and look, I'm not saying that if you're like, you're, you're gonna have to give like ultra negative feedback or an ultimatum to this person. Um, I think it's just being aware enough to know that you've gotta give them the right information at the right time to help them make inf make decisions based on that information. Yes. And now you have to kind of think of that in the moment type of feedback requires a high degree of eq, uh, and where like, this is where leaders will need to be able to self-manage effectively and manage certain impulses. And in this example, you just gave using empathy in a productive manner.

Sameer (12:44):

That's right.

Ismail (12:45):

And so look, I think we've talked about some tips on how to give feedback. We touched on what to be mindful of when in deciding when to give feedback, but it's also really important that people are equipped to receive feedback well themselves.

Sameer (13:01):

Yep. Very good point. I'm ready to discuss it. Let's do it.

Ismail (13:08):

On this particular topic, I think of Kim Scott, and she's the author of Radical Candor, and I think she describes it best. So feedback is often rejected because it emotionally triggers a recipient. So for example, like when a manager, an employee are in the performance feedback cycle, they're, they're really uncomfortable, they're anxious, and they just are not themselves. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And so the reason that is, is because their brains, like, they have this primitive instinct where it needs to protect themselves, and this is the modern day threat. Yeah. That particular situation. Yeah. So your, your brain is in fight or flight mode and is wanting to either get up that tree or bonk that sabertooth tiger over the head so it doesn't eat you.

Sameer (13:52):

All right? So now I'm imagining you in a Flintstones costume, bresling of Sabert tooth tiger, which is a hilarious visual, but getting back on, on track here to, you know, expanding on what you're saying, you know, regarding the threat posed by feedback, the antidote to it is openness, right? We talked about being open as the individual giving the feedback, but also crucially important here is being open to receiving feedback. And this is something that I do actually very pri proactively. I, all the time I'm simply asking, you know, I've asked my bosses, I ask the people that work for me, I say, how can I do better? What can I do better? And then I sit there and I'm wait, and I'm ready for it. Right? I'm open <laugh>. And, and you know, when you're, after you ask a question like that, it's, it's kind of like sitting in a dunk tank, right? Because you don't know what the other person is gonna say, right? They might toss you a soft lob, or it's gonna be a fastball on the button. Next thing you know, know you're taking a swim, right? But you have to be open and ready because it's the only way that you'll truly get better. And I've gotten some really great feedback by simply being open and asking for it.

Ismail (15:06):

So when, you know, when you're in that situation, like, what's your state of mind and how do you avoid taking feedback and feeling like you're being attacked?

Sameer (15:17):

Truly, I think it's the, the belief that I have in myself, right? Low confidence in your ability to change is often the reason people feel attacked, right? If you believe that you can get better and are confident, then the feedback hits different, right? It hits you kind of in a good way where you're like, all right, I'll take that. I'll absorb it and I'll commit to making those changes because I know that I can change. I know that I'm evolving constantly and growing constantly, and I have the skills and the aptitude and the ability to achieve anything. And you have to have that mindset in order to truly be open.

Ismail (15:56):

I mean, I think confidence is so key. I mean, if you have a high level of confidence that you can handle the information and ultimately learn from it, the, like you said, like the way that you process that feedback, it hits much

Sameer (16:08):

Differently. That's right. Yeah.

Ismail (16:09):

And when you believe you have the capacity or ability to change, your emotions aren't easily hijacked, which is like what causes that knee-jerk reaction mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And you are able to absorb the feedback, cross reference that with your own recollection and experience of those particular events,

Sameer (16:26):

Right? Right. Frame the feedback, right, for what it is, it's feedback, maintain, you know, an arm's length approach and being intentional about not taking the feedback personally, right? That's an actual, um, intentional act, right? Of not taking feedback personal. This allows you in the moment to self-manage and process the feedback so you can learn from the useful information as well as, you know, discard anything that isn't useful, because, you know, I've received some feedback that I didn't necessarily agree with and I had to digest it, kind of analyze it and make a decision on whether I was gonna, um, you know, enact some change based on it, but without bringing my personal emotions into it and how, and, you know, the ability to, to kind of bifurcate that really helps me to make those rational decisions.

Ismail (17:18):

I think that's great. I think this is a lot of food for thought. Thank you so much for listening. The show really wouldn't be possible without you. If you're a fan of the show, please take a look at the show notes where you can find more information about the podcast and information that can support you as well as how you can support us.

Sameer (17:37):

Definitely. Thank you Ismail, and thank you everyone who listened until our next episode, I'll leave you with this quote from Maya Angelou. People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.